Recently I read an article about what people should not say to couples who have not been able to conceive a child after years of marriage. It reminded me of our own struggle that lasted for two years for us (Alhamodlilah and we got blessed with Violet), but I know people who have battled it for years and are still doing so.. and only God knows if and when their struggle will end. And being through it, I can tell you that its one of the most difficult times for a couple.
The moment you become aware of this fact that there is something not right and having a baby will not be as easy for u, as it is for everyone around you, ALL you see around you is either couples with kids or couples expecting a baby – Its like you get a ‘visual filter’ along with the news of your inability to conceive easily.
Once you know the problem, you can get the treatment done and have a baby? Right? WRONG! (well, at least not in our case..it is much more complicated). There are so many variables associated.. the correct diagnosis, elimination process of possible causes of infertility, millions of tests(and some verrry painful ones too), trial and error of zillions of treatments , billions of daily injections and ultrasounds and what not.. and then the waiting game and at the end of it, HEARTACHE!
Followed by tears, depression and struggle to carry on with the daily life and not stress (because guess what!? stress adds to infertility too!!!!). Its a viscous cycle!! And going though it is rough. The partner who has the physical inability feels like CRAP! Inadequacy, guilt and what not.. are just to name a few of the feelings he/she goes through. The other partner doesn’t feel any better though… going through all of this is extremely difficult emotionally – for both of them. The question that haunts …
“Will we EVER be able to have a baby?”
The above is more than enough to deal with(trust me!) for the couple struggling with infertility issues. Believe me (and I know because I have been there!), they don’t need any extra stress BUT how can people in our desi society let them be?.. Though we as Muslims believe in God and know that EVERYTHING happens with His will.. and there is a time for everything.. but people forget that (I don’t understand why..)
So I would just like to highlight a few things that we should avoid doing to the poor couple ( and I say poor just because they already have a lot to deal with!). And I can say this because it has either happened to me or someone very close to me. I do understand, that all the things said are not with an ill intention .. but just remember that your innocent, ignorant remarks can hurt (and hurt veryyy bad!).
Its Not A Race! For the love of God people, don’t compare them to other couples who got married around the same time or later and have a baby already. You don’t know but they might be struggling with infertility issues.
Oh, you guys are so slow.. you lost! Their baby is already here!
Didn’t they get married after you guys??? and look they already have a baby!
Yes, this has happened!!! NEVER EVER say this to anyone, please! It might be a joke for you, but you don’t know if they are not conceiving by choice or they have a problem. Remember, everything will happen at the time when God wants it to happen.
Harass The Mums One year passed and you don’t have a baby yet (or expecting one), all the aunties in the social circle start gossiping.. and one of them braves to ask the mum(s) of the couple as to why they aren’t having a baby..
Kuch masla hai? Aap ko smajhana chahiey.. aaj kal ke larkay larkian to bachey karna hi nahin chahtey.. they want to enjoy their freedom.. aap hi samjhain….
So all those people, please please please stop harassing the boy’s and/or the girl’s mum(s). There is a high possibility that the couple might have kept their infertility issue a secret from their parents as well.. (while they are undergoing the treatment) not to burden them with worries in their old age. So please stop burdening them!
Stop Assuming Its The Wife’s Issue It can be the husband’s problem too! Infertility affects the women and men equally. It is as likely that the physical inability lies with the man.. so stop blaming the wife, please! Whatever it is..who ever needs the medical treatment.. its the couple’s problem and they have the right to be discreet about it! Please respect their privacy and stop pointing fingers!!
The Working Woman Doesn’t Want a Baby Don’t judge why they don’t have kids yet and jump to your own conclusions. And if the woman is working.. a common(and possibly the first) judgment…
Oh, she’s so career oriented and doesn’t want to have children.
Or worse.. say it to her face..
You know, kids are more important than career.. quit your job and have a baby.. your body clock is ticking…
Just imagine, the same woman you thought gave preference to her job over kids ,was going to the hospital every morning before work for a scan to see if any follicles matured and then every evening for an injection, on her way back from work. Because guess what!??! She is trying everything in her capacity to conceive a baby…. and she doesn’t want to announce it to the world! Its private!
Mind Your Own Business Not that difficult, you know!!!! I think a couple who is mature enough to get married
- can understand about their tick tock-ing body clocks… (No reminders needed please!)
- they have possibly seen a doctor and getting the treatment..
- they have possibly researched more about infertility and know more than what you have heard from some random person…
- they are possibly doing every possible prayer to God, to bless them with a child…
- they are possibly socializing to forget their worries and have a small window during the day when they can stop thinking about it.. don’t remind them, please!
So unless you have had an experience your self that you would like to share or you are asked for some advice.. please don’t bring up the topic!
Jokes apart.. seriously people, they don’t need a reminder of their problems. It would just hurt and you possibly have no idea how much it hurts.
It hurts like no pain I have ever known…..I say this, cause I have been there!